A feeling of God.

A feeling of God has come to me this morning.

… Shut up, don’t say weird things, people will think you’re crazy. Some of my best friends say that when a person speaks of God too much, they get labelled crazy. A feeling of God. Crap. Shit, don’t say things like that aloud. You sound like an old person.

A feeling of God has come to me this morning. What is that?! Thank god you don’t say things like that aloud and in public. A feeling of God! On a Monday!

But on the other hand. Why should a feeling of God be hard to say or understand? Some mornings a feeling of relief comes to me. Some mornings a feeling of anger comes to me. That’s quite often and it’s as often triggered by the newspaper. Some mornings a feeling of coffee contentment comes to me. Happily, actually, that is almost every morning. Some mornings a feeling of tiredness comes to me.

Today happened like this. I bathed and sat to take stock of my next move. My house help will arrive and before she does I must remove the dog toys and dog beds off the floor of living room and bedroom. I must check the paper to see if Wonder Woman is showing in 2D somewhere and not 3D because my friends dislike 3D. I want to see Wonder Woman. I must get up and put on my laptop and finish counting village ponds cleared and deepened by a CSR team. I must get Caregivers Link registered. I must build a team to work with me. I must get up.

I sit. I see the trees. I see the breeze blow through those trees. I see those shades of green and patches of sun. I feel that breeze as I did when I was a child who climbed trees. There will always be something to do, to write, to dust, to clear, people to deal with, and things I am unhappy about. As long as I live, there will be daily. In my daily I will do, undo and not do.

 

I sit here too long. The bell will ring now. The dogs will bark. I will lose the thread of this and I will lose the feeling. I feel like apologising for this feeling, I find it embarrassing. It’s so shri so ma and so guru. I should be up on a hoarding, blessing traffic, promising crap. I sit here too long. My credit card bills must be paid, my society maintenance bill must be paid, I must buy chicken and I am almost out of vinegar.

I sit, I see a sparrow and a munia at my window, my visitors who belong to that breeze and those trees and that feeling of God this morning. It’s like beer to the beer lover, which also I am. One can leads to the second because I want to hold that feeling of beer contentment. Just like that, I sit and watch the trees and sparrows longer than I should. On a Monday.

A feeling of God has come to me this morning. For free. It is mine. A shiny thing to polish, to collect and to write about.